More Aussisms I’ve tried (and failed with):

• on the Murray – On credit (Short for on the Murray cod: rhyming slang for the colloquialism ‘on the nod’.)
• bluey – 1. A police summons to appear in court or a duplicate copy of the charges against the defendant 2. Term of address for a person with red hair: ‘G’Day Bluey!’.
• rust bucket – something, especially a car, which is old or in bad condition

Location: Hamilton Island

Weather: Unseasonably hot winter weather – no wind, blue skies and 30c (a 20 year record for the region!)

With Bre heading down to the Gold Coast for a few days of Movie World and hyperactive stunt girl action it was time for me to disappear to one of the local Whitsunday Islands by myself for a few nights of amusement and entertainment at one of the more interactive and  family orientated resorts – Club Med on Lindeman Island.

For some reason I had stuck in my head a crazed bunch of 18-30’s nutters racing about the place hedonistically teaming up for games and drinking competitions until they dropped……but after spending a few days here my misconceptions have been totally transformed – although thankfully part of my original vision is still alive and well.

Club Med was started in the 1950‘s by Gerard Blitz and Gilbert Trigano who found some exotic beach locations in Europe, set up some tents and invited guests to join them as part of a unique experience offering everything for one price; all activities, food and drink and that ethos has been kept today (except the accommodation is much comfier now!). There are now 80 locations around the world including Club Med 2 – a 637 foot, five mast sailing boat which is incredible….look at this:

Club Med 2

From the moment the team of waving G.O.’s (gentil organisateur in French, we the guests are G.M. – gentil membre!) met us at the jetty I knew it was going to be a crazy few days – there’s more energy in these people than a nuclear fuel cell! Once greeted all arrivals to the island are led past the pool area of the resort, through to the main theatre and handed their first drink of the day.

The welcoming committee

There’s a very laid back vibe here, being one of the only family all-inclusive resorts on the Great Barrier Reef means you can do what you want, when you want. The restaurant’s open throughout the day – with a slight pause just after lunch before ‘snacking’ starts, the bar serves all manner of drinks whenever you want them…then there’s the activities and there’s a whole fistful of things to choose from!

You’ve probably guessed by now I don’t like to sit still for too long, life is there for living, and taking advantage of the offer to get involved in an activity, experience or sport I haven’t tried before comes high on the list of must-do’s and with this job it’s almost a daily experience! Club-Med fits the bill..

Club Med on Lindeman

So where on earth do I start? I got the blood pumping first thing in the morning with my usual exploratory run around to scope out the new location. Lindeman Island is a national park and Club Med does well to hide itself in one corner of the island with the rest of the island untouched bush with a few walking trails to explore. I ran up to Mt Oldfield, the highest point on the island and had 360° views of the Whitsundays on a pretty perfect day.

The surrounding islands could almost be parts of Canada when you see them in a certain light, the dark green tree line extending to the blue waters edge – but definitely a darn sight warmer! An hour later I was back in the resort filling up on breakfast as much needed fuel for the day. As all meals and drinks are included in the cost of the holiday you can choose to eat whatever you like from the buffet and its pretty extensive too.

My little visit to Club Med tied in with a group of journalists from around Australia and New Zealand who’d come to have a familiarisation of the resort and somehow it had been arranged that together we’d visit the island’s 9-hole golf course. Initially not my idea of a perfect afternoon.

I have played golf twice before:

1. in the driving rain of Scotland when I was 11 dressed in a thick raincoat with my dad (neither if us did well but it was a good laugh!) and
2. with a stinking hangover before a friends wedding in South Africa where I actually hit the tractor which the driver had kindly steered off the fairway to let us pass!

Not the best experiences of my life.

I also had the fear…a four ball Ambrose competition against some of the industry players and writers with me just about able to swing a club let alone hit the green. I was not looking forward to it one bit.

But hallelujah! Against all probability only one of us from the group of 20 had actually picked up a golf club before so we’d all start with exactly the same knowledge, experience and most importantly expectations about our game; close to zero.

Watching everyone else tee off for their very first shot was total hilarity. Balls were topped, sliced, hooked and totally missed and it took nearly an hour just to get everyone moving forward down the course so by the time it came to my group, the last one of the day, no one was there to witness my atrocious attempt at a drive.

However things did improve as the afternoon went on, I even managed to get onto the green in two shots on a par 5…but my putting appears to be the weak spot and I ended up with a 6.

“Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad”  ~A.A. Milne

The location of this course is stunning, once you’ve got past the first six holes (which takes long enough) the pin for the seventh lies facing south west across the Whitsunday Passage and towards the mainland. With the weather as good as today it’s simply breathtaking and the appearance of two whales frolicking in open water only added to the enjoyment factor.

By the time we’d made it to the end of the round the presentation table was up, the drinks were flowing and the prizes were ready to hand out but I’m afraid nothing came our way. We simply weren’t good enough!

There was light at the end of my golfing tunnel though – with our group massed around the seventh tee the challenge was laid by Matt, the pro at the club, in a ‘nearest the pin’ comp with everybody watching the three of us. Being a par 3 it should be possible to hit the green in one….should be.

Matt started and landed his ball around 30 yards away on the green. Oh joy, I’m in for a kicking here. Hendel the ‘Chef de Village’ was next and finished even closer than that. Great, what am I supposed to do now! I placed the ball down, had a practice swing and let rip…..up, over and down to within 20 yards of the flag – how on earth did that happen! Dancing celebrations followed understandably – I’d saved my best shot of the day for the pressure moment.

Evenings are when the staff or G.O.’s come alive and transform the resort into an interactive madhouse, with Hendel on the microphone his team of amateur entertainers perform a huge range of dances, skills and tricks all with the assistance of the audience generating a party vibe that you just can’t get away from! Karaoke, Bollywood, Trapeze, and the Circus are just a taster of what’s on offer and each night a different dress code gets everyone on the same level ready for the festivities….and the free bar certainly adds to that!

The sunset cruise is another must-do, leaving an hour before sunset, the Fantasea boat circumnavigates Lindeman and Pentecost Islands, slowly cruising through the blue waters at just the right time to catch the best of the orange and red light being thrown onto the beaches and rockfaces by the descending sun. Pentecost has this picturesque, vertical sided rock formation on its northern tip known as the Red Indian…have a look why!

With so much to do if you choose, Club-Med caters for a broad spectrum of people – there’s face-painted kids marching through the theatre led by G.O.’s, O.A.P.’s dancing by the pool during the midday madness session when staff dance, clap and wave hands to music, day visiting golfers here to enjoy the curvaceous course or couples relaxing on the table as Kylie soothes away aches and pains in the spa.

The choices are endless and the three days I spent here flew by; I played tennis, mini table-tennis, archery, golf, swam, kayaked, and even could have used the trapeze but didn’t have time…

…and the best part has to be my final morning when I took one of the Hobie Catamarans out onto the water at the front of the resort. Perfect conditions meant the cat slapped across the ocean out into the bay and as I turned back towards the shore for another jibe spotted a pair of Humpback whales 100 metres away coming towards me, I killed the speed and waited.

Another breath and they were 50 metres away, the glassing of the water signalling their approach, then suddenly the pair surfaced together spewing spent air from their blowholes right in front of the cat only 10 metres from us, their humungous streamlined bodies silently slewing back into the water and under the floats of the cat – their dark hulks passing directly under the boat! Oh my god that is the most amazing experience I’ve had with whales ever!!!!! Apologies for all of the exclamation marks but they are necessary.

What a conclusion to a fantastic, fun filled weekend, someone did say that people have cried when leaving the resort after a few days there and I can honestly see why – you feel part of something very special…and that’s me as a 34 year old male saying it. Imagine how the children must feel when their Mummy takes them away from their new found friends.

As a parting shot I must confess….yes I was spotted doing the Macarena during the final performance…for the kids of course!

...is that me dancing?!?

End of day location: Club Med, Lindeman Island, Whitsundays

Distance travelled: 20kms